Shaun Connolly | Correspondent
DEAR SHAUN: My brother recently yelled at me for vaping at my niece’s 5th birthday party. He said it was inappropriate to have an adult blowing those toxic vapors into the air around a bunch of children. I said that I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and that it wasn’t like I was blowing it in their faces. Should I be allowed to smoke at my niece’s parties and other get-togethers where children are at?
DEAR MY FELLOW HOMO-VAPE-IEN: Bro, when you got to vape you got to vape. I say you not only should vape, but for every birthday, holiday or random get-together you gift your niece a vape and some of that sweet, sweet juice. Here’s the thing: Yes, as an adult we do have autonomy on what we put in our body. And yes, we have the freedom to do what we want when we want it. There’s no reason why on a Sunday afternoon party with 20+ 5-year-olds running around you shouldn’t be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it and if that means vaping that new blue-razz juice you got, then so be it.
I bet your brother has some beers and wine available at this party and that he sees nothing wrong with that. I see the hypocrisy though. He can consume liquid poison flavored like a bubbly lime that some corporation named White Claw, and you can’t inhale laboratory created liquid flavored like a candy and made to get you addicted? I can’t seem to find the logic either. What, would cocaine be OK too? Where does it end?
This seems like he is holding onto some hang ups from when you were growing up. This could be retaliation from when you told him your dad wasn’t your real dad and the dad that was living with you was an alien in a skin suit. Or when you told him that cars have a sensor on them that knows when kids are running in the street and they will stop no matter if the driver sees you or not. Or when you pretended to be his pen pal and wrote love letters pretending to be a beautiful girl in Spain named Esperanza. That’s what this is about, your brother can’t get over the past and move on.
I suggest you tell your brother to grow up and mind his own dang business. Let him and his daughter and his partner do him and you will do you. Vape wherever you dang well please and catfish your own brother again for good measure. Blue-Razz Juice For Life!
Worcester comedian Shaun Connolly provides readers bad advice in his weekly column. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.